I sometimes get this claustrophobic feeling that I am trapped inside myself and surrounded with foreign objects. If I let myself think about it too much I often get overwhelmed with my own body. I freak out thinking about the metal and cadaver bones that are implanted in me.
I have had three major spine surgeries in hopes of relieving some of the horrific back pain that I have. I knew going into the surgeries that they may not help my pain but I was so desperate for relief.
Here is the view from within:
Metal, screws, and cadaver bone. I look at these pictures and think what have I done. Will I ever feel good? The truth is that the surgeries did not help me at all and now I am stuck with nasty scars and foreign parts inside of my body. I guess backless dresses are out for me! But the surface scars are nothing compared to the emotional scars that all of these procedures have caused. The anxiety that I sometimes get is overwhelming! I just want all this stuff out of my body and I want the pain to go away.
I understand desperation, but know that going into a surgery always leaves lasting trauma. If you are thinking of having back surgery to help with pain I caution you to think it over a 100x’s. Realize that when the doctors say that it might not help, that it might not be worth it. I used to be able to sleep on my side but since the major thoracic surgery, that is no longer an option. When I squeeze my shoulder blades together I feel the metal and let me tell you it doesn’t feel good.
I wish I would have been diagnosed with the Lyme disease before I had these surgeries so I could have tried the Lyme treatment first. I wish that doctors would seriously consider Lyme when a patient comes in complaining of pain. I wish… I wish… I wish…
I know that I will be OK, whatever my OK is. I know that I am stronger than my physical body and I know that I will get through all of this. I just want to help others know that it is best to always try a non-surgical approach first! I thought I did that but my lesson is to never give up on pushing the doctors to look deeper for the real issue. If only I had kept pressing about Lyme disease and not believed the mainstream medical profession when they told me that this could.t be Lyme.
Follow your heart and never let others lead your way!