Lately I have been struggling with feelings of inadequacy. I am more aware of these feelings as we go through the holiday break. I long to be the active mother who has fun every day with my child! I crave energy to be able to do the things we once did. I fight sadness and grief to paint a smile on my face as much as possible to try to provide a happy home but inside I am dying! I find that laughter is harder and harder to come by because the pain is often too much.
I am a logical person and know that I am putting these feelings on myself, not those around me. I am trying to accept life as it is and live in the moments but it is hard when you are always hoping that the next day will being some kind of relief! In all honesty my daughter is happy to curl up on the couch with me in our PJ’s and spend the day watching movies. The thing is, this is not how I want her to remember her childhood. I don’t want her to grow up taking care of me. I try with all my might to fight through the days we are out and about at basketball tournaments and so on and for the most part I make it through with our breaking down. I think I have become good at fooling others on those days that I am OK and night fighting for my life.
This most defiantly is a battle! A battle to stay mentally strong, positive, and hopeful.
I keep repeating this…