Grieving what once was…

Grief= Great Sorrow

Synonyms of Grief= sorrow, misery, sadness, anguish, pain, distress, heartache, heartbreak, agony, torment, etc.

Grieving is a process that you continue to go through when you are dealing with a chronic illness. I grieve many things that once were. I grieve physical things as well as emotional things. I grieve the dreams that won’t happen on the time frame that I set for them. I grieve not working in my field and being excited everyday to create something I was proud of!  I grieve the physical deterioration of my body and mind. I grieve the ability to do what I want, when I want to do it! But I grieve loosing my spirit most of all.

I am sad! I am heartbroken!

I once was a happy, free-spirit person who would laugh and smile. Now, not so much. I was adventurous and fun-loving. Now, not so much! I was ambitious and driven to succeed in everything I did. Now, I guess I am just driven to get well. Funny how so very quickly all your focus can switch and what you once thought was success suddenly changes. Success for me now means getting well. I will truly feel like I have succeeded when I can see improvements in my health.

I often sit and reflect on my life and where I am today. Today is not where I planned to be in my life’s road map. Today I am on a detour from that master plan that I had for myself. But I sit and sometimes think that I am exactly where I need to be. I got sucked into the road construction of life! My detour went way off course but now I need to find a way to be OK with this new path. I am really working on acceptance and let me tell you it is HARD!

In the back of my mind I still catalog all of the things that I once wanted to do or accomplish, but that is where it must stay for now…in the background. If I allow myself too much time to focus on those lost dreams I will not be doing myself any good. There is nothing I want more than to feel good again and once I get that, I can reset my dreams and figure out what I want my story to be.

I don’t know how long this detour will last or if I will ever get back on track but I am working everyday on trying to find the road I am meant to travel. I try everyday to not let the sadness be too much and not get overwhelmed with the heartbreak! This truly is a battle!

I will continue to fight and search for the hopeful things that will pull me back on track!

I have learned that in one moment at a time, one blink of an eye, everything can change! Never take things for granted, especially your health!

8 thoughts on “Grieving what once was…

  1. Dave

    Reading these posts makes me cry. I am the shadow on the wall in all these posts. I live it, I see it, but can’t fix it. I am merely in the background, only able to follow.

    I am a passenger on this detour and my life’s dreams have also changed, but the most important one I have: Some one who chooses to be with me for who I am and accepts me and my faults. I offer the same, Lyme’s disease or not.

    Everyone has detours in the journey of life, it is always the company on that journey that makes the difference.

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  2. Kristin Alexandra

    I can empathize with so very much of this!

    When Lyme sentenced me to bed for 10 months, I struggled to find who I was, as much of my identity had been wrapped up in physicality. I spiraled deeper and deeper into depression and Lyme-induced anxiety, but eventually climbed my way out of it by gently accepting my feelings, giving myself permission to be upset, and focusing on the present.

    Sending you warm thoughts and hugs and wishing you courage and peace in your battle with Lyme.

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      1. Kristin Alexandra

        Heather, I’m doing pretty well now…very well, actually, except for this cold I picked up a few days ago. Two months of doxy late this spring have kept me healthy enough to (work and) backpack this fall. My doctor is concerned that I might become ill again this winter, but I’m enjoying feeling this well while it lasts!

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  3. coconutkris

    Hi Heather, I know precisely what you are talking about- I think we all do judging by everyone else’s comments. I actually wrote a little bit about this- after receiving my diagnosis I went through all sorts of emotions and in retrospect realized they were very similar to the 7 stages of grief. I think it is really important to go through the process- to grieve who we were before (though at this point, I barely remember!!!) grieve for the dreams we had and the life we want (I would love to be able to go for a hike or rock climb or not fall over in yoga!)— but with that being said, to not give up hope. To not project into the future. We do not know where we will be a few years from now- let’s think positive! I know how hard it is, right now I am completely out of food and water and haven’t left the house- or even the couch!- all day and can’t even manage to get myself up to go shopping- it is so overwhelming- but I really believe that we can learn and heal….I really do! I’m right here with you on the journey trying to get well. Sending you healing thoughts!

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